Becoming More Disabled as A Disabled Lifer: How Traveling to Greece HUMANIZED me

This late night writing is incredibly therapeutic thanks for giving me space

Becoming More Disabled as A Disabled Lifer: Rolling on a Tightrope of Disability Pride and Grief

A karmic whirlwind of redistribution as a disabled person who honestly grew up believing people with invisible disabilities were “faking it for attention.”

I was born with Cerebral Palsy, a neurological condition that impacts my muscles and my ability to walk.

I've used a walker and a wheelchair my whole life with a complete and utter resistance to using a wheelchair due to internalized ableism and shame.

Now I have celiac's disease due to long Covid-19

I know I know disabled people (myself included) live by a strict moral code of inflated sense of ego where we pretend not to holding ableist toxic views.

We live in an ableist hellscape.

Unfortunately internalized ableism and societal ableism consumes us

Unlearning our ableist views is a lifelong journey that never ends

But I did truthfully believe these lies as a disabled person growing up

People with invisible disabilities had it “easier,”

People with invisible disabilities could hide

People with invisible disabilities were BETTER THAN ME

Then I was diagnosed with celiac's disease due to long Covid-19 a few years ago and my world changed rapidly

Pooping, Vomiting

Diaherra more often than not and constant sickness

Chronic Fatigue that is never ending

Massive food eliminations of gluten, dairy, and fruit

Food Restricting, and Medicine restrictions that still have me feeling incredibly ill

Even now I'm recovering from a night of being tied to my toilet like a domatrix to her sub after abiding by strict gluten free and dairy free diet

Celiac's disease due to long Covid-19 has disabled me a way I can't explain

As a fat disabled person who cannot drive I live for restaurants

Restaurants tastes better than the food I cannot cook

(I'm a terrible chef)

Restaurants make me feel worldly

Restaurants is how I connect

Now as an imperfect Covid-19 conscious disabled person, dining in restaurants during an active pandemic deserves public ridicule from Covid-19 conscious advocates

I can feel your disappointment in me and I understand but dining in restaurants for me feels like suicide prevention.

Erin, that's dramatic.

No, it's really that DEEP for disabled people who don't leave their house regularly

Now I never go to restaurants while being actively ill like now

My depression over mourning “restaurant life,” is palatable

Along with feeling incredibly ill all the time due to celiac's disease I'm feeling the unbearable pressure of the “Ozempic” nation (no judgment for anyone on weight loss drugs) while being bombarded by sponsors who want me to sell weight loss drugs to the disabled community

Every time I've been sick in my life

I'm told it's my weight

When I go to a doctor's office they don't even understand Cerebral Palsy and assume I'm using a walker due to my weight

“Nope, I was born this way,”

Born to be discredited

Born to be medicallly discriminated against

If you can believe it, Cerebral Palsy hasn't disabled me the way celiac's disease has

My chronic fatigue, bloating, and neurological issues with celiac's disease has put me back in a wheelchair.

I spent my whole college career struggling with an eating disorder losing over 60 pounds and refusing to use my wheelchair and electric scooter.

Forcing myself to walk everywhere, so proud of “pushing my body to the brink,”

Blaming myself for being fat, blaming myself for being disabled

I went “kicking and screaming,’ but I'm finally back in my electric wheelchair after years of resisting.

My wheelchair gave me an independence I hadn't felt in decades

Moving through the world felt easier and safer after having major falls with my walker while exercising that resulted in major dental surgery.

“I'm so tired of feeling tired” is a sentiment spoken so often in the disabled community it feels cliche to say, but it's the truth

I felt free

I went to Greece this past December on an all accessible tour and had some of the best gluten free and dairy free food I had ever eaten.

I lived without fear of being “glutened,” in Greece.

In a country that valued accessibility and HEALTH as silverware was carefully wrapped in plastic with hand santizer on ever restaurant table.

Waiters and waitress were willing to bring an array of gluten free and dairy free alternatives

My food requests weren't met with eye rolls and sighs like in America

But actual inclusive compassion

It was meant with compassion looks and deep concerning glares

I felt like crying often to Greece

I didn't feel like a “burden,”

I felt like a human being

When you're disabled and becoming even more disabled due to celiac's disease you RARELY FEEL HUMAN.

I YEARN TO FEEL HUMAN AGAIN

As a sit here in my bathroom again, I deserve this after truly believing people with invisible disabilities weren't “real.”

We don't often discuss how our disabled, aging sick body makes us feel dehumanized.

We feel dehumanized by our own disabled body while struggling to hold on to Disability Pride.

Forgetting that Disability Pride & Disability Grief co-exist in an abusive marriage of sadness, anger and frustration

I'm so so so so sorry

Sincerely,

Erin, a disabled lifer now struggling with an invisible illness

[ID: A picture of Erin Founder of Claiming Disability wearing a pink mask at the Acropolis Museum with her husband in Greece]

If you're interested check out my upcoming trip to Northern Greece with my husband Jeremy, a registered Respiratory Therapist and medical professional and CareunderSun from October 31st to November 8th 2026!

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